Mighty Oxen

What a joy it is to say that Titus has now been home for 15 consecutive days. We feel like we are settling into a normal routine albeit one that still revolves around numerous doctors appointments and therapy (and feedings every 3 hours around the clock). But, I love coming home to my wife and all 5 boys sitting around the dinner table (enjoying a delicious meal that has been graciously provided for us).

Over the last 2 weeks, Titus has visited the pulmonologist - who has determined that he did not have a partial lung collapse while he had RSV, but more of a diaphragm distension. He has prescribed a new treatment to assist in keeping his airway open. Becky was able to provide him with all the x-rays since birth and the doctor thoroughly reviewed his progress to-date.

A week ago, Titus had his initial appointment with Scottish Rite Hospital here in Dallas. They will address any issues that arise from the hemi-vertebrae in his spine and his turned foot. But, from their initial inspection, they offered encouraging words and feel his foot is turning into normal place and his spine may be fine - they will just watch it over the years.

Last Friday, we had an appointment with Dr. Leffler, pediatric ophthalmologist. Dr. Leffler had examined Titus when he was a few weeks old, but that exam was basically to make sure all the "parts" were there. Numerous doctors/nurses have commented on Titus' cloudy eyes and this appointment was for Dr. Leffler to do a more thorough examine now that Titus is older. His initial findings are that Titus is suspect for congenital glaucoma. This is totally treatable with surgery, but needs to be addressed in a timely manner. We are in the process of getting an appointment with a pediatric glaucoma specialist next week. One of the issues will be that Titus will need to be anesthetized to accurately check his glaucoma pressures and surgery. This is always an issue with Titus since he has a complicated/compromised airway.

It's easy to get overwhelmed some days when you think about all the issues facing Titus. And then, I look back and see how far he has come. The last 4 months have been a blur of hospital stays, doctors, treatments, surgeries, sleepless nights, and countless tears. But the last 4 months have also been a time of great rejoicing as we have seen answered prayers, of sweet fellowship with friendships that have been formed and strengthened by the love poured out to us, of overwhelming support from our church family, our ministry family, and cards/emails from around the world. I am reminded again and again of Galations 6:2 "Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." So many of you have carried our burden over the last few months - and I will say again, I am truly humbled and thankful.

Webster's defines burden as "something that is carried; a load; duty, responsibility". In today's crazy world, it seems that everyone has full plates, busy schedules, full lives. And as full as your life is, many of you have found time to stop what you were doing and carry our load. It could have been stopping to pray for us, or taking our boys home to your house to play after church, or visiting us at the hospital, or writing a note of encouragement, or cleaning our house, or cooking a meal. How humbling it is to be on the receiving end and to be carried along. And, what an example it is to us and our boys to look for ways to lighten someone elses load. What a reminder to me to never be so busy that I can not stop what I am doing, take my eyes off of self, and look for ways to serve others.

One more note - oxen are considered beast of burden because of their incredible strength in carrying heavy loads - so please take this as a compliment when I say "you are a might ox!"

Please pray for these things:

• Titus will get a quick appointment with the glaucoma specialist and surgery will be scheduled quickly
• Titus' breathing will continue to go stronger, his lungs will continue to stay clear and he will recover from the hacking cough and drainage he has.
• Titus therapy - we are working on him sucking on the pacifier, and continue to work on stretching his arms/legs and getting him to lift his head. These are all areas he's delayed in since he has spent so much time in the hospital.
• Clarity as we work through the maze of medical bills and coordination with benefits. We have obviously met our out-of-pocket maximum for the year, but we are still getting bills for way more than that amount. Titus has hundreds of medical claims that have been filed by the numerous doctors and agencies at the hospital. Plus, we are still trying to navigate the Medicaid maze. Financially, we have always seen God provide - but it has been a little overwhelming to reach your out-of-pocket maximum ($6,000) in December 2007 and then reach it in 3 weeks in January 2008 for the new calendar year. But just like God provided exponentially for our adoptions, we know he will provide again.
• Our search for the car that we can all fit in - I have learned to say "I will never drive a . . . " like I did when I said "I will never drive a mini-van (and we are now on our 3rd van), but we are now looking for a Chevy Suburban or GMC Yukon XL that we can get all the kids (including 3 car seats). Aidan and Noah would love for us to purchase the retired mini-church bus I found on Craigs List, but Becky and I are leaning more towards something that will fit in the garage.

Wash Your Hands

We are currently at day 27 in the hospital. Titus was moved out of the ICU last Friday afternoon and is now in a regular room on the Pediatric Floor (6th floor at Medical City Childrens). We should have known to expect that he would be moved to a regular room just hours before the parenting conference began at FBC Frisco, but Becky's mom came up to sit with him so that Becky could be there to assist in kicking off the conference.

Now that he is in a regular room, a family member needs to be with him around the clock. And our transition of care has gone back to our regular pediatrician instead of the host of pediatricians who worked on the PICU floor. This means, the pediatrician generally comes around once a day instead of multiple times. We still have a dedicated nurse, but instead of just taking care of 2 patients, she may have numerous patients to care for. And, since it's a regular hospital room, we have to be there to watch his monitors and how he is doing.

They are stilling giving him a very small dose of methadone every 12 hours to wean him off of all the sedatives he had. We are hoping that will end tomorrow since he seems to be fine without it. He will need to be off the methadone prior to coming home, so this will be one milestone.

We are working on getting his feeding schedule back to a 3 hour feeding schedule. He had been on a continuous feed for weeks, but we are breaking him back in to regular feeds. Yesterday they fed him a small amount every one hour, today they are feeding a larger amount every 2 hours and hopefully tomorrow he will be back to regular 3 hour feedings.

He is still on a very low setting of oxygen. We have been taking the oxygen off every few hours to see how he does, but his oxygen saturation will start to dip, so after 30-45 minutes, we put it back on. They are more concerned about his breathing at night since we all tend to breath more shallow in the evenings. This is the biggest milestone we need to achieve before bringing him home - weaning him off of the oxygen. I'm hoping that getting him off of the methadone will help this.

The last several days, Titus has had a sporadic fever that will spike up and then go down. His blood levels are not showing infection and they have on a general antibiotic, but they aren't sure why he is running the fever.

But, aside all of that, he is alert, happy (most of the time), and responding to us when we hold him. We do not know when he will be able to come home, but we do know the milestones that he needs to achieve. As the doctors continue to remind us, he is making baby steps and progress.

I have to admit, that I do not think that I have ever washed my hands so much in my life. When we are at the hospital, we are constantly washing our hands and putting on the anti-bacterial gel. While in the NICU, we had to scrub for 3 minutes prior to entering, robe up when reaching his room, wash hands again when we entered, after we touched Titus, and when we left his room. Every time! It has now become such a routine outside of the office. Gone are the days when I thought my morning shower kept me clean for the day. I am now in a constant state of washing, drying, putting on anti-bacterial gel.

Why do we do it? to keep the germs off of me and away from Titus.

And, when I equate germs to sin, I have to think - am I doing the same? Am I confessing my sin when reminded or just whenever its convenient? Am I obeying what I'm told to do even when I don't feel like it? Do I follow the instruction laid down before me or deviate to do what is convenient?

When I think of washing my hands, I think of the story of Naaman (2 Kings 5), the commander of the army of Aram. A great man, A respected man, A valiant soldier, and a very sick man with leprosy. His money could not buy the health he needed. He didn't want to do what Elijah told him to do until persuaded. I often wonder why Elijah told him he had to wash 7 times in the Jordan (that's a lot of washing). It would seem like once would have been enough. But doing something 7 times requires obedience, it requires stamina, it requires commitment, it requires a desire to be healed - to be clean.

When I get tired of washing my hands for the umpteenth time during the day, I'm reminded that obedience is never easy. It takes work, consistentcy, commitment - even when I'm tired, even when I don't want to do it, even when I think it doesn't make sense to me.

Please pray for these things this week.

• Titus breathing gain strength to keep his oxygen saturation levels up without having to be given oxygen
• Titus fever will go away or fight off whatever it's fighting.
• Titus feedings schedule to be renewed back to every 3 hours and that he will begin to gain weight again
• Rest and peace as one of us it at the hospital all the time. Becky has been staying there the last several nights. She hasn't gotten a lot of rest the last couple of nights with nurses coming in, or monitors going off.
• Comfort for Aidan, Noah, Tucker & Cade - they continue to maintain a good attitude, but it's very hard when they only see one of us for a few minutes each day. We miss our boys - and they miss us.
• Paul's work schedule - the last 2 weeks have been incredibly busy at work preparing for meetings all this week. His work should ease up a bit next week, but last week and this week have been incredibly busy with little room for error (and when you are tired, that makes it all the more difficult).

Last of all, thanks for your prayers for the All About Attitude conference this past weekend. We had a great conference. It is a joy to have a team of volunteers who did it ALL. It was another lesson for me in letting go and trusting in delegation, but everything went without a hitch and as planned. And it was great to see so many friends.

Going Through Rehab

It has been almost a week since Titus' surgery and our 21st day back in the hospital. There have been some milestones accomplished over the last few days. Last Thursday evening, they removed Titus off of the ventilator and put him on a high-flow oxygen canula. Over the last several days, they have been reducing the flow and amount of oxygen he is receiving. Since they have him off the ventilator, we are able to hold him whenever we want - which is wonderful!

They are weaning him off of all the sedatives they have given him over the last 3 weeks. Titus was given morphine, methadone, fentanol, and other sedatives for 3 weeks. If they were to stop all sedatives immediately, Titus would go through withdrawals - so they are weaning him off the morphine and methadone. Basically, he's going through baby rehab (my term - not the hospital's). When Titus is given a sedative, his breathing becomes much more shallow, therefore not expelling all the carbon dioxide from his blood. As a result, it's a delicate dance of reducing the flow/amount of oxygen and weaning him off the sedatives. They assure us he is doing great. He is much more alert, but still a bit "zoned-out".

Titus is also back to receiving his feeds through his G-tube. He's currently on a constant slow feed, but they will be changing that back to more of a feeding schedule once we get off all the sedation. Titus has gained weight over the last 3 weeks - he is over 9lbs now.

As far as the RSV, he is pretty much over the virus. RSV is a 3-week virus, and it's been 3 weeks today. His lungs sound clear.

I had mentioned in a previous email that Becky and I were looking forward to settling into our "new normal" when Titus came home. After discussions, we've decided going to the hospital once or twice a day is not the "normal" we were expecting. I told Becky this weekend, I just wanted to take Quita (our dog) for a walk - because that's normal.

So Sunday afternoon, after spending a few hours holding Titus, I came home and walked the dog. And, as I'm out walking the empty streets of the new subdivision being built across the street, the tears starting flowing. (OK - I'm not usually this emotional - and I generally don't cry that much.) But walking the dog made me cry because for the first time in weeks, I felt normal. And I thought, I just want my life to go back to the normal that I expect it to be - which includes having all my sons under one roof.

And the thought came to me, did Moses ever wish to go back to life as a shepherd instead of leading some obstinate people? Did David ever want to go back to herding sheep instead of being a king? Did Peter ever want to go back to being a fisherman instead of being a disciple? Do I want to run from the trials and tribulations of life because they are tough and not what I expected? Am I demanding my own way instead of God's way?

And as I walked (and cried), I thought about dependence. Who am I depending on? Titus is struggling to get rid of dependence on something he doesn't need but his body wants. Likewise, am I depending on God which requires my total trust and faith in His plan - especially a plan I cannot see or am I fighting/resisting/struggling with my desire to do things my way.

I'm glad Moses didn't give up on the Israelites, I'm glad David stayed a king, I'm glad Peter gave up fishing. Those men remind me that dependence on God is a day-by-day walk however difficult or hilly the path may be. Although I can only look forward with blind eyes and faith, I can look back and see the visible hand of God in my circumstances.

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:6-7

Please pray for these things this week:

• Titus' breathing will continue to grow in strength and depth.
• Titus will be weaned off all the sedation drugs with little discomfort
• Titus will continue to be healthy in the hospital without any more infections / viruses
• Continued rest for Paul & Becky and the boys
• And, I have one special prayer request unrelated to Titus. This weekend is the "All about Attitude" parenting conference at FBC Frisco that Becky and I have planned along with our other leaders in our Growing Families community. As many of you know, Becky and I are the captain of the Key Couples for Growing Families in Dallas and have taught parenting classes in Dallas for the last 9 years. We are so incredibly thankful for our leaders in this parenting ministry who have taken up our slack and took care of all the details for this weekend. The only thing we have to do is emcee. It will be such a joy to see so many faces of parents we have taught over the years who have registered for the conference. Our dear friends and mentors, Joey & Carla Link will be traveling in Thursday and will be the speakers for the conference. Please pray for the Links as they travel, Please pray for the 175 people who have registered for the conference that their lives and parenting will be encouraged, Please pray for all the volunteers who will be handling the details of setup, sound, bookstore, food, and cleanup.

And, (ok - now I'm starting to sound like one of those long-winded winners at an award show - I hear the music swelling), I have to let you we are so thankful for the incredible church family we are part of at FBC McKinney. Becky and I have commented over the last several months on how loved we feel when we walk into church. Frankly, there are Sundays/Wednesdays that it's hard to walk in, but we never regret it once we are there. We feel so blessed to be part of such an awesome family of God. It's extremely difficult to explain how much the smiles, hugs, cards, and prayers have meant to us and have been such a testimony to Aidan and Noah. We want you (and everyone) to know how thankful we are for our church family. We feel so loved.

Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

Here is the latest news on Titus. We are still in the PICU at Medical City Children's Hospital (day 13 in the hospital). His RSV is clearing up and although the Respiratory Therapists still comes by every 3 hours for treatment, they are suctioning very little out of his lungs.

On Saturday, they decided to extubate Titus from the ventilator. They had been turning down the number of breaths the ventilator was giving Titus and he had picked up his breathing and all signs looked good to extubate (or pull the tube out). I showed up early Saturday morning to be there. They had reduced his sedation and he was fully alert and awake. It was so good to see him alert and looking around. He was also cranky - not liking the tube down his throat at all. After they pulled the tube out, he was still cranky, but breathing good. I got to hold him for about 30 minutes. This was the first time in 10 days I had gotten to hold him and although he was fussing most of that time, it was absolutely heaven to have my boy back in my arms. After Titus had been off the vent for an hour, they tested his blood gases, and unfortunately, his Carbon Dioxide count was still high - meaning he wasn't breathing deep enough to expel the CO2 from his system. To keep him from getting more distressed, the decided to immediately intubate him again. So, I kissed my son and laid him back into the arms of the nurse so they could prepare him for intubation and the ventilator.

The ENT doctor who did the intubation came out to discuss Titus' condition after they put him on the vent. Dr. Trone, the ENT, use a lighted fluoroscope during the intubation to examine his vocal box and esophagos. Both were extremely swollen due to reflux, which is why his breathing was not strong enough off the vent to expel the CO2. They have been giving Titus prevocet for the reflux, but that only deals with the acidity of the reflux and not the issue of reflux itself. Upon discussions with Dr. Trone and Dr. Genecov, the cranio-facial surgeon, the best course of action is for Titus to have a nissen fundoplucation surgery (sounds much worse than it is). This is very common with babies, especially those with a g-tube installed. This laproscopic surgery will prevent the reflux, therefore reduce the swelling, and allow Titus to get off the vent. The only other option is a tracheotomy, which we want to avoid. We have not talked with Dr. Renard, the pediatric surgeon, who will perform the surgery, but are praying that it is scheduled as soon as they can. From all indications, we are looking at 1-2 more weeks in the hospital.

So, Titus is back on the vent, sedated some (but not as heavily as before), resting, and now waiting for his 3rd surgery in 3 months.

As I have stated before, these past weeks have been hard. We've come to know every piece of equipment, the settings, what is "in the range" and "outside of the range", every medicine, and every beep/warning signal that goes off. We have gotten to know a whole new set of doctors and nurses and will always be grateful to them for the incredible care they provide our son. We so appreciate the staff who gently talks to Titus, pats him on the head, comforts him when we aren't there. They all know he cannot hear, and yet they all tell us how he responds to them talking to him. So, for us, we so appreciate when they talk to him and tell him what they are doing. It sounds so simple, but it means the world to us that they treat him like the little person that he is (even when he is so heavily sedated).

This week has been very hard on me personally. But as I was driving down to the hospital, I realized that nothing, NOTHING changes my love for Titus. And, this thought came to me. The Bible tells me that God the Father has adopted me as a son, and views me as perfect, without spot or blemish, because I've been washed in blood shed on the cross for my sins. I have always had a difficult time understanding how a father can view a son perfectly, when I know (as the son) how incredibly sinful I am.

And, then I realized, I view Titus as perfect. Yes, he has issues. Yes, he has lifelong challenges. Yes, he has physical deformities. And, I'm sure when he gets older, he will do things that test my patience (just like Aidan, Noah, Tucker & Cade do). Even though I can sit here and list (and spell) all the medical conditions, and I feel like I constantly reciting them to every new doctor/therapist/nurse that comes along, it doesnt matter. Titus is perfect in my eyes. He was perfectly made, he's perfectly my son. So, I'll take Psalm 139:14 and add my view: "I praise you because Titus is fearfully and wonderfully made". And, I now have some inkling of an idea how God can continue to love me and view me as sinless.
Please pray for these things this week:

• Titus nissen surgery to be scheduled quickly
• Dr. Renard who will perform the surgery
• Titus to be free from RSV and any other infection (especially pneumonia). He doesn't have it, but they are constantly watching him for it.
• The swelling in his voice box, epiglottis, and esophagus to go down and return to normal.
• Titus breathing and heart-rate to remain strong.
• Becky and I for continued strength and rest. We are tired, but we persevere.
• Aidan's 11th birthday was last Friday - and he is such a joy and help to us. If you see him, please wish him a belated Happy Birthday and lift him up in prayer as he continues to grow in wisdom and stature.
• Continued good health for Aidan, Noah, Tucker, & Cade - we need them healthy too.

The Trip to Sydney

In November, 2003, Becky and I went to Sydney, Australia for an incredible trip of a lifetime. I had work to do there and after numerous trips to Europe that Fall (leaving Becky alone with the boys), she was ready for a week away. So, we made our plans and used my frequent flier miles for Becky's ticket. The only problem was - due to availability of flights, she flew to Sydney 3 days after me. And, since I used my miles for Becky's ticket, I didn't have enough to upgrade to business class as I usually did, so I flew in coach.

If you have ever flown to Sydney, you know how long a flight it can be from Los Angeles (18+ hours). My flight left several hours late at 3am instead of 1am, and I was already exhausted since I was keeping myself awake until I got on the plane. As I settled into my middle seat in coach over the wing of the 747, I took my Tylenol PM and got comfortable - until take-off. You see, these old 747s are huge - and experience a lot of wing vibration during take-off - a little piece of information that the pilot didn't share with us prior to take off. So, as we lifted off, and the wings begin to VIOLENTLY shake, rattle and roll, the adrenaline rushed through my body since I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that the wings were coming off the plane and we were doomed for the Pacific ocean. (Now, having flown internationally numerous times, these things generally don't bother me - I landed at Gatwick once during gale force winds.) But this violent wing vibration scared the living daylights out of me even though it only lasted for 10-15 seconds. Needless to say, the Tylenol PM I had just taken had no effect over the adrenaline - and I was awake for hours after that. And there I sat, exhausted, bored, cramped, for hours and hours in the dark. When you fly to Sydney, they close all the shades since there's nothing to look at but water and sky the entire trip (and that can also freak you out). I tried to watch movies, but since I had just gotten back from 2 trips to Europe the month before, it was all the same movies on the flight. (I think I watched 'My Big, Fat, Greek Wedding' 5 times on those trips). The pilot gave very few updates and I thought the plane trip would never end. But, it did - and Becky and I had an incredible time in Sydney - one of the most beautiful cities in the world with the friendliest people. (BTW, ask Becky about Bondi Beach sometime).

Titus has now been in the PICU for one very, very, long week. But, he has shown great improvement over the last 2 days. They are in the process of weaning him off of the ventilator and he is taking good breaths in between the breaths that the vent provides him. They anticipate extubated him tomorrow, but a lot will depend on how he does today. He looks good - they gave him a bath yesterday and his hair was sticking straight up. His dark hair is falling out a bit and is coming in much lighter. He still has a lot of hair, but not near as much as a month ago. He is still sedated, but opened his eyes a few times yesterday. We have not been able to hold him in the past week, nor touch him without gloves on. That's been one of the hardest parts about this past week - to stand there next to his bed, and not to be able to hold him. They are also beginning the process of weaning him off the heavy sedation. Dr. Genecov has also been by several times to check his jaw. It looks good and we no longer need to turn the screws. Titus will have surgery in 8 weeks to remove the device. I'll send out pics soon to show you the incredible difference this has made.

Becky and I have talked how this week in the PICU was like the flight to Sydney - alone, long, dark, quiet, exhausting, few updates, turbulence. But just like the flight, there was an end - with a glorious time afterwards. Titus still has several more days in the hospital, but we are beginning to see the end in sight. These have been long days, with some scary episodes and I'm reminded that waiting is sometimes part of God's plan. Abraham and Sarah waiting for years for Isaac to be born, Joseph lingered in jail, Moses spent 40 years as a shepherd after being a prince before he became a leader again, David waited for years before he able to claim the throne. Over and over in the Bible, there are numerous examples of men and women who waited. And, as we stated before, there will be a lot of waiting over the next few years for Titus. The verse I read this morning reminded me again that Becky and I are not forgotten - Titus is not forgotten - my family is not forgotten. We wait, as hard as it is, as limiting as it can be, we wait because God has a plan.

Lamentations 3:23-25
They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."
The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him;

Please pray for these things:

• Titus strength will return - his breathing will continue to grow stronger today
  Taking Titus off the vent and sedation - this is a delicate dance and we pray that Titus will pick up his breathing
• His lungs will continue to clear all the secretions and be clear/fully inflated
• Our Medicaid application has been submitted - and we pray for approval. This will help in the long term (and short term).
• Continued rest and peace for Becky and I and the boys - Becky commented last night how rested she has been over the last few days and she knows it's because of the prayers being lifted up.

Still in the PICU - I Surrender All

Titus is still in the PICU at Medical City Children's Hospital. He is on a ventilator that is breathing for him and is sedated. Last night, they changed the sedation to a steady drip instead of every 3 hours. Yesterday, they had started the process to wean him off the vent, but during the night, they had to turn the oxygen levels back up. They assure us this is all part of the process with babies sick with RSV. The respiratory therapists continue to provide treatment every 3 hours and suction out all the secretions. They are getting less and less out, which is good. But, Titus has been fighting with them every time he gets a treatment. They have noticed, that even though sedated, his body would resist, fight back, and shut down when they were trying to work on - so, to make him rest, and to allow the staff to do their job, they have increased his sedation. In one way, my boy is strong and fighter (They all comment on that) and on the other hand, he looks absolutely pitiful fully sedated. He currently has two IVs - one his left arm and one in his left foot. He also has an arterial in his right wrist allowing them to draw blood for lab work easily. They are feeding him through a line in his nose instead of his g-tube - but that's mainly because they have him prone on his stomache right now. They still have his arms tied down. And, as mentioned, he is intubated with the breathing tube. The doctors and nurses continue to assure us that he is showing signs of improvement and everything he is experiencing is completely normal for as sick as he is and has been. They continue to assure us that he will have several days of ebbs and flows on his way to getting better.

The last few days have been the most difficult and darkest for Becky and I. We hurt to see our baby this way. We hurt to see our baby in pain. We hurt to stand by his side and be so helpless. I don't know that I have ever felt so completely helpless in my life. As I was losing it the other day, the hymn that kept coming in my head was "I Surrender All". I must admit, it's much easier to sing it than to live it. I know I have to surrender Titus up to the Lord - at any cost. But, I have to admit, I cried out to the Lord that I can't do it. I cried out I want more than just 8 days at home with my son. Becky and I held each other yesterday and sobbed over how hard it is to surrender Titus up to the will of God.

In Titus nursery, we have Psalm 4:8 written on the wall above his crib. "I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety." When we choose that verse, we never knew how the entire psalm would describe our journey. This weekend has been more of a Psalm 4:1 weekend of crying out to the Lord and today has been more of Psalm 4:4 "search your hearts and be silent". And, I know there will come the day when I will claim Psalm 4:7 "You have filled my heart with greater joy". And, I know there will come a day, when I lay Titus back down in his crib to sleep in peace.
Psalm 4
Answer me when I call to you, O my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress; be merciful to me and hear my prayer.

How long, O men, will you turn my glory into shame ? How long will you love delusions and seek false gods?

Know that the LORD has set apart the godly for himself; the LORD will hear when I call to him.

In your anger do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent.

Offer right sacrifices and trust in the LORD.

Many are asking, "Who can show us any good?" Let the light of your face shine upon us, O LORD.

You have filled my heart with greater joy than when their grain and new wine abound.

I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety.

So, although my heart is heavy-laden and burdened and I struggle to surrender all. I surrender - white flag and all - I surrender all to Jesus, all to him I freely (that's the hard part - freely) give.

Ponder Your Feet

As I mentioned in the first email, Titus has RSV and they told us the first 72 hours were the worst. Yesterday he progressively got more and more congested and his breathing became more and more labored while in his room on the pediatric ward. He was really retracting in his chest with his breathing. The excellent nurses and respiratory therapists (RT) took action and Titus was moved to the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit (PICU). This is a much better place for him to be. Much like the NICU, Titus has the full attention of 1 nurse and RT and the pediatrician constantly checking in on the hall.

Immediately upon arriving at the PICU, 1 doctor and 3 nurses/RT began working on him. The decision was made to sedate him and put him on a ventilator to breathe for him. They also started an IV to give him fluids and medicine. We stepped out of the room while they performed these procedures. When we came back in, Titus was at rest - sedated, but we could tell he was resting. The plan was to keep him sedated for the next day, so we made the decision to go home and get a good night's rest. The boys were staying elsewhere, so Becky and I went to eat, then went home, watched Project Runway, and went to bed with Quita between us. We both got a great night's sleep.

Titus had a rough night even though he was sedated. They continued to suction him out through the night. When we arrived this morning, they also had his little arms restrained. Apparently, he's been trying to duke it out with the nurses, so this keeps his hands out of all the tubes for right now. Honestly and frankly, it broke my heart to see him like this. When he was in the NICU, he wasn't sick - we were mainly waiting on the surgeries and flight plan on what to do - he did had 2 infections but with antibiotics he was alert and responsive. But now, seeing him so sick, lying their sedated and non-responsive - well, it breaks my heart. I keep telling myself, the first 72 hours are the worse and we are halfway through it.

They are trying to determine if he is fighting any other infection. His temps today are low - around 96 degrees - whereas last night, they were hovering between 99.2 to 99.4. The blood work all falls within normal ranges, but his temp is a concern. They are moving him to a warming bed to help get it back up. They are feeding him slowly and keeping him hydrated through an IV. He did weigh 8lb 3oz when we checked in the other day - so he's been steadily gaining weight.

On days like today, when it's cold and dreary outside (Dallas got a cold front last night - it's below 30 degrees today - and I know all my midwest friends are laughing at that comment, but trust me, it's COLD), it's a struggle to be positive. I just want to hang my head and cry (and I have). And that allows my mind to drift to worst-case scenarios. As I was having one of my pity parties in the car this morning, I remembered a quote I told my Bible Fellowship Group last Sunday while teaching. Dear friends of ours (Mike and Jody Krogstad), had shared this with us as a parenting principle, and even though I have worked on it with my kids, today was the day that I needed to work on it myself. It's really a deep concept, but one that's so easy to practice. Here it is:

Ponder your feet!

Isn't that awesome! and deep! and theological! Think about it - ponder your feet. Ponder is such an old-fashioned word. It means "to weigh in mind with thoroughness and care". We have used this with our kids to teach them to focus on something other than what might be blatantly in front of them (like an inappropriate billboard, or commercial on tv) but it also goes deeper than that. If I am pondering my feet, then I am shutting out everything else around me to look at the path directly in front of me. I'm not looking at my destination, I'm not looking at all the "detours" to the left and right, I'm not being distracted from where I need to go. . . I am carefully looking at my next step. I put my blinders on and only focus on the task at hand that God has called me to. And when you pair that with Psalm 119:95-105, it all comes together.
The wicked are waiting to destroy me, but I will ponder your statutes. . . Oh, how I love your law! I meditate on it all day long. . . I have kept my feet from every evil path so that I might obey your word. I have not departed from your laws, for you yourself have taught me. How sweet are your words to my taste, sweeter than honey to my mouth! I gain understanding from your precepts; therefore I hate every wrong path. Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path.
I know Satan would love to have a hey-day with me (and Becky and the boys) by putting doubt, disbelief, and fear in my life. But today, I am gonna ponder my feet and realize the path that I am on is illuminated each step of the way by the word of God. Only He knows the destination and the full journey for Titus. I trust in HIM.

Please pray specifically for these things:

• Titus will remain rested and strong while on the ventilator
• Titus temperature will raise back up to normal and his body be clear of any infection
• Continued rest for Becky and I
• Titus pediatrician - Dr. Chimelli - and the incredible staff of nurses/RT's on the PICU (many of the same RT's were with us in the NICU - and it provides some comfort already knowing them)
  

Last of all, each of you is such a blessing to Becky and I. Your prayers sustain us, Your phone calls/emails/letters encourage us, Your love is felt.

Back in the Hospital

Titus has been home for the last 8 days and has been doing great. It's been great to have him home.

We have started a series of doctor's appointments and follow-ups with the various doctors. Today, Titus spent about 4 hours as they reviewed the status of his jaw. His jaw looks awesome - and we will continue to turn the screws for one more week and then stop, allowing the bone to buildup and fill in. Dr. Genecov is pleased with the progress and how much his jaw has pushed out. It truly is amazing and I will have to send out before and after pictures for you to see.

But today, when Becky returned home, she was noticing how tired he was and his little cough that he had this morning was starting to sound worse. While feeding, his breathing got worse and he turned gray. Becky called 911 and the paramedics were there instantly. Prior to coming home, Becky and a friend visited the local fire station to inform them of Titus since they would be the responders in the event of a call to 911. As only God would foresee, the team that responded tonight was the team that Becky had visited with several days ago. TItus pinked up upon giving him oxygen, but after conferring with the doctors, it was decided to take him back to the ER at Medical City. Upon arrival, they immediately tested him for RSV (a nasty respiratory virus that's common this time of years for infants) and he tested positive. Titus was given Syngesis, a vaccine for RSV, several weeks ago, but as they told us, the vaccine does not prevent the virus, but hopefully will make the case and symptoms less severe. Since the first 72 hours of RSV are the worse, they checked Titus into the Pediatrics ward at Medical City Children's Hospital. This is the same hospital we were at previously. They are giving him nebullizer treatments every 3 hours and suctioning him as needed while they have him hooked up to the monitors. As the hours progressed, we could tell he was feeling more and more puny, and we realized that we got him to the hospital just in time as it looks like he is just now really coming down with the virus. I came home to be with the boys tonight and just checked with Becky before going to bed. They are trying to determine whether or not to take him to the Pediatric ICU (PICU) or leave him there. One of the issues with RSV is that breathing becomes difficult for the infants - so they just stop. If they are going to put him on a CPAC breathing machine, he will need to be in the PICU.

Please pray specifically for these items:

• The next 72 hours are the roughest for Titus - pray that the vaccine he received will keep the symptoms light. Pray for TItus breathing, his strength, and his rest.
• The RSV virus last for 3 weeks - this does not mean he has to stay in the hospital for 3 weeks, but we know it's going to be awhile before he's back to his old self - but we pray for complete healing in God's timing.
• Strength for Becky and I as we again make the trips back and forth to the hospital
• Comfort for Aidan, Noah, Tucker and Cade as they get shuttled around a bit over the next few days
• Praise for his jaw as it has improved his breathing dramatically. If he had gotten RSV any sooner or prior to surgery, he would be struggling so much more. Pray that the bone will begin to form and harden.
• The team of doctors/nurses overseeing his care. Since we are in the Pediatric ward now, it's a whole new set of nurses and doctors that we will be working with.
  

As I told my parents tonight when I got home - this is just part of the journey for Titus. We know there are going to be events like this for him and today was just one of those things that's going to happen. I was so proud of Becky and the boys (and my parents) for their response as they called 911 and the paramedics arrived. Everyone was calm - which is how I want my boys to learn to handle emergencies - with a calm heart, urgency in action, and a call to prayer. I'm so reminded of 2 Cor 4:16-18 "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

Fixing our eyes on what is unseen,