Just Fix It

Growing up, my dad could fix anything. Now, it may not look pretty and he may have used a lot of duct tape, but he could fix anything (and still can).

I think that's an inherent quality in being a dad - when something is broken, it's your job to fix it. When the icemaker stops working, the boys call me. When the car acts up, Becky calls me. (well, actually, she still calls her dad). When a toy breaks, the boys bring it to me. And my job is to fix it. I like this part of being a dad. (And, ok, I will admit that the boys will also ask PeePaw and Poppy to fix a few thing too - it's also part of being a grandfather).

But when your child is so sick and you can't fix it, you feel helpless. When you have to explain to your other boys that Titus is sick and dad can't make it better, you feel like a failure. When Titus wakes up and is frightened and starts to cry and looks at me with fear in his eyes, all I can do is put my face close to his and whisper "It will be ok" even though I do not know if it will.

I think all my prayers today have been begging my heavenly Father to just fix it, make it better, let him breathe. And I know my Father can - but his repair may not be in my timing and He may have a greater reason in the brokeness. Romans 8:18 states "our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. " And that is my prayer tonight for Titus - resting in knowing that all of this has a plan and purpose.

Titus was taken off the ventilator this afternoon. He did not respond well to a high-flow nasal canula, so they put the BiPAP on his face. The BiPAP is a large mask that covers his mouth and nose and has to create a tight seal around his face to work properly. He doesn't like it. He has had the BiPAP before. He didn't like it then, and he doesn't like it now. When he wakes up, he fusses himself till he is so tired that he falls back asleep. I've mentioned numerous times that Titus is a very content child, so for him to fuss is uncharacteristic for him. But, as his dad, I know it's because he's scared. He doesn't know what is going on. And when I put my face next to his and he opens his eyes and looks at me, it breaks my heart since all I can do is hold his hands down to keep him from trying to pull it off his face. He's gotten quite adept at grabbing the hoses and ripping them off.

His chest x-ray this afternoon shows some lung collapse on the upper right side. You add to that the information we found out yesterday that he doesn't really move air out of his bottom lobes of both his lungs, he still doesn't have a lot of lung capacity.

He will stay on the BiPAP tonight - and then they will re-assess tomorrow. They have discussed having him medically transported to Dallas and if he goes back on the vent, this would speed up that decision. Honestly, we would prefer this - it would be the quickest and safest way to get Titus back to Dallas. But they would also like him to leave the hospital the way he came - which was in the car. We just aren't sure how he will do on a 15 hour car-trip home. We will need to make some decisions tomorrow since I need to be back at work on Monday. And, Becky and I believe that the rest of the boys need to be back together at home. Please continue to pray for us as we make the immediate decisions that need to be made, along with the long-term decisions we are still faced with. Our trip to Cincinnati has provided us with new decisions and new information (not the information we wanted to hear) and now, we just want to get back home.

Please know that wanting to be home is not a reflection on Cincinnati Children's Hospital - they have been incredible in listening to us as the parents on how to best care for Titus. As a teaching hospital, they make their rounds in the mornings and evenings, and each time, they have asked us to be included in the discussion on Titus situation and care and have listened and heeded our suggestions on his care.

Thank you for the emails and notes. We have sat and read them to each other and they are a balm to our soul. Thank you for your prayers - we can feel them. And for those who have been taking care of us and our boys (Michael and Beth here in Cincinnati, Eric and Roxie with Aidan and Noah in OH, and Marti and David with Tucker and Cade back in Dallas), you have been our pillars of support this week. It has been a peace to know that our boys are being cared for and that we have had a wonderful place to stay.