Still in the PICU - I Surrender All

Titus is still in the PICU at Medical City Children's Hospital. He is on a ventilator that is breathing for him and is sedated. Last night, they changed the sedation to a steady drip instead of every 3 hours. Yesterday, they had started the process to wean him off the vent, but during the night, they had to turn the oxygen levels back up. They assure us this is all part of the process with babies sick with RSV. The respiratory therapists continue to provide treatment every 3 hours and suction out all the secretions. They are getting less and less out, which is good. But, Titus has been fighting with them every time he gets a treatment. They have noticed, that even though sedated, his body would resist, fight back, and shut down when they were trying to work on - so, to make him rest, and to allow the staff to do their job, they have increased his sedation. In one way, my boy is strong and fighter (They all comment on that) and on the other hand, he looks absolutely pitiful fully sedated. He currently has two IVs - one his left arm and one in his left foot. He also has an arterial in his right wrist allowing them to draw blood for lab work easily. They are feeding him through a line in his nose instead of his g-tube - but that's mainly because they have him prone on his stomache right now. They still have his arms tied down. And, as mentioned, he is intubated with the breathing tube. The doctors and nurses continue to assure us that he is showing signs of improvement and everything he is experiencing is completely normal for as sick as he is and has been. They continue to assure us that he will have several days of ebbs and flows on his way to getting better.

The last few days have been the most difficult and darkest for Becky and I. We hurt to see our baby this way. We hurt to see our baby in pain. We hurt to stand by his side and be so helpless. I don't know that I have ever felt so completely helpless in my life. As I was losing it the other day, the hymn that kept coming in my head was "I Surrender All". I must admit, it's much easier to sing it than to live it. I know I have to surrender Titus up to the Lord - at any cost. But, I have to admit, I cried out to the Lord that I can't do it. I cried out I want more than just 8 days at home with my son. Becky and I held each other yesterday and sobbed over how hard it is to surrender Titus up to the will of God.

In Titus nursery, we have Psalm 4:8 written on the wall above his crib. "I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety." When we choose that verse, we never knew how the entire psalm would describe our journey. This weekend has been more of a Psalm 4:1 weekend of crying out to the Lord and today has been more of Psalm 4:4 "search your hearts and be silent". And, I know there will come the day when I will claim Psalm 4:7 "You have filled my heart with greater joy". And, I know there will come a day, when I lay Titus back down in his crib to sleep in peace.
Psalm 4
Answer me when I call to you, O my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress; be merciful to me and hear my prayer.

How long, O men, will you turn my glory into shame ? How long will you love delusions and seek false gods?

Know that the LORD has set apart the godly for himself; the LORD will hear when I call to him.

In your anger do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent.

Offer right sacrifices and trust in the LORD.

Many are asking, "Who can show us any good?" Let the light of your face shine upon us, O LORD.

You have filled my heart with greater joy than when their grain and new wine abound.

I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety.

So, although my heart is heavy-laden and burdened and I struggle to surrender all. I surrender - white flag and all - I surrender all to Jesus, all to him I freely (that's the hard part - freely) give.